Lunch time came and went, I kept working. Fear kicked in and I needed to remove all thoughts of past pain and future opportunities for pain from my life. The boss realized that I had worked through lunch and told me I could knock off early if I wanted to and I said only if the job is complete otherwise I stay and he just smiled.
Even though Aisli isn't willing to go back 11 years ago why don't we. Aisli was a beautiful young woman physically and consequently she attracted a lot of attention. Most of the time she fought potential suitors off with her trash talk until one day someone caught her attention.
Soft spoken and gentle, this person approached her, after witnessing her take a man through the mud with her tongue never even giving the man a chance. Aisli never had gone any socially with anyone, not even in high school, family functions were very limited. She was considered to be a beautiful stuck up brain without an ounce of social graces. The two went out for coffee.
What seemed like a small step for some people was a tremendous step for Aisli. This short meeting with another human being left her thirsty for more interaction. Abby asked questions and really listened, the first conversation lasted slightly longer that the cup of coffee. Aisli didn't say much and Abby said even less but the two agreed to meet the following week.
Abby's intention was to simply help Aisli. She knew that Aisli must need a friend. Who would want to be friends with someone who talked to people like that? The words were cutting, demeaning and void of anything humane. Abby thought that Aisli must really be hurting, to make herself so unapproachable.
Slowing Aisli began to open up to Abby, not really understanding how she had been disarmed by a woman. Normally, she didn't even waste her breath of females, yet Abby somehow was able to get through and help bring down some of her defenses. The first couple of months they just met once a week. They had exchanged numbers but neither one called the other, they just kept their coffee time which started to last longer than the coffee.

I love working on the docks and working with the guys and being treated as one of them. The last thing I wanted or expected was for Joe to take notice of me as a woman. The work is physical but very straight forward, not gray, pretty black and white. I have never run into a problem with doing my share and the job has been mine for the last 10 years.
It has been 11 years since I had a conversation anything even remotely like the one I had with Joe two hours ago. The memory returns. I haven't thought about that person in a number of years and the conversation, the last time I allowed myself to really think about it, it hurt, a lot. Nevertheless, I allow it to come back to me. It is not so much the words but the pain of letting someone get close to me, allowing them into my heart, just to get my heart broken. The friendship hadn't been very old, when we parted ways forever.
I really didn't know and still don't know how to invest in people and develop something that will last. Even family relationships get broken and severed. How many people remain faithful and true to one another? I don't know because I just stay out of the way and do my best to keep to myself. However, I am afraid that I have opened the door this morning.
There really is no time to think about this right now. It will have to wait until lunch. I will get a quick bite and then go for a walk and see if there is anyway, I can just get over it and not talk to Joe. It will be the best thing to do to not disrupt a colorless, yet quiet life.