Lunch time came and went, I kept working. Fear kicked in and I needed to remove all thoughts of past pain and future opportunities for pain from my life. The boss realized that I had worked through lunch and told me I could knock off early if I wanted to and I said only if the job is complete otherwise I stay and he just smiled.
Even though Aisli isn't willing to go back 11 years ago why don't we. Aisli was a beautiful young woman physically and consequently she attracted a lot of attention. Most of the time she fought potential suitors off with her trash talk until one day someone caught her attention.
Soft spoken and gentle, this person approached her, after witnessing her take a man through the mud with her tongue never even giving the man a chance. Aisli never had gone any socially with anyone, not even in high school, family functions were very limited. She was considered to be a beautiful stuck up brain without an ounce of social graces. The two went out for coffee.
What seemed like a small step for some people was a tremendous step for Aisli. This short meeting with another human being left her thirsty for more interaction. Abby asked questions and really listened, the first conversation lasted slightly longer that the cup of coffee. Aisli didn't say much and Abby said even less but the two agreed to meet the following week.
Abby's intention was to simply help Aisli. She knew that Aisli must need a friend. Who would want to be friends with someone who talked to people like that? The words were cutting, demeaning and void of anything humane. Abby thought that Aisli must really be hurting, to make herself so unapproachable.
Slowing Aisli began to open up to Abby, not really understanding how she had been disarmed by a woman. Normally, she didn't even waste her breath of females, yet Abby somehow was able to get through and help bring down some of her defenses. The first couple of months they just met once a week. They had exchanged numbers but neither one called the other, they just kept their coffee time which started to last longer than the coffee.

I love working on the docks and working with the guys and being treated as one of them. The last thing I wanted or expected was for Joe to take notice of me as a woman. The work is physical but very straight forward, not gray, pretty black and white. I have never run into a problem with doing my share and the job has been mine for the last 10 years.
It has been 11 years since I had a conversation anything even remotely like the one I had with Joe two hours ago. The memory returns. I haven't thought about that person in a number of years and the conversation, the last time I allowed myself to really think about it, it hurt, a lot. Nevertheless, I allow it to come back to me. It is not so much the words but the pain of letting someone get close to me, allowing them into my heart, just to get my heart broken. The friendship hadn't been very old, when we parted ways forever.
I really didn't know and still don't know how to invest in people and develop something that will last. Even family relationships get broken and severed. How many people remain faithful and true to one another? I don't know because I just stay out of the way and do my best to keep to myself. However, I am afraid that I have opened the door this morning.
There really is no time to think about this right now. It will have to wait until lunch. I will get a quick bite and then go for a walk and see if there is anyway, I can just get over it and not talk to Joe. It will be the best thing to do to not disrupt a colorless, yet quiet life.

"I grew up right here. The girl behind the counter at the cafe is my niece." says Joe. Walking along Aisli urges Joe to go on with her ahas. "Both my parents grew up here. You know, I'm a townie. My story really isn't that interesting."
"You are wrong," Aisli interrupts,"every one's story is interesting. There is beauty and color in every human beings story and we have forgotten how to tell it."
"Well, why don't you tell me yours?" Joe asks.
I keep getting myself into these dilemmas, because I believe what I said about everyone else's story but my own. It is lacking because I have reduced human relations to a very low role in my story. My solitude, my gadgets, the way I keep to myself. The story is full of.
Interrupting her train of thought Joe asks, "Did you hear what I asked?"
"Yes. I am just not ready." Aisli spoken truthfully.
"You really are interested?" Joe hesitates about continuing.
Aisli wants to be and does really like his voice. "Please," she says simply.
"I have 4 brothers and 5 sisters. Amazingly, most of us get along. After my parents died, there was some falling out. My oldest brother handled it well. We do our best to get along, love each other and be there for each other." Joe glances over at Aisli to see if he should go on. "Most of them are married, some divorced, I have a boat load of nieces and nephews."
"What about you?"
"Well, I was trying to tell you my story is not that interesting." Joe protests.
"Were you ever married?" Aisli is not sure if she should have asked that.
"Yes," and Joe pauses wondering if he should say anything more and adds, "for a short time."
Aisli catches the sadness in his voice and isn't sure what to say so she says nothing. The two co-workers walk quietly for a minute and just before reaching the docks Joe says, "My wife died when we had been married for 6 months."
I don't know what to say. {She has never let anyone close enough to her for her to feel the pain of loss and consequently she does not know the joy of being known and knowing another.}
When they arrive at the docks Aisli hangs back and sips on her coffee and the aroma reminds her, the world is colorless today. She looks at her boss who's white beard is looking dark and his sparkling blue eyes are sparkling gray. He gives us our orders and as Aisli heads to get to work, Joe pipes up and says,"Thanks for listening."
Everything inside me wants to just keep walking and pretend that I didn't hear him, but everyone heard him. That's the problem, so I just kind of grunt, "Don't mention it," which is exactly what I wish he had done.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath of the ocean air and picture all the colors that I usually see at this hour. The sun is bright and feels warm upon my face.

Waiting to be taken care of I make sure I am at least 3 steps behind Joe, I don't want it to appear as if we are together. Joe orders his coffee and then turns to me, I give him the "finish your business and don't order for me look."
Walking by he says with joy, "see you outside." I grin on the outside but crinch on the inside. Why did I do this to myself? I wake up, the world is gray and then I actually speak to Joe who was looking for me, then I say, "want to grab some coffee?" Am I out of my mind?
In the meantime, the server is attempting to get my order. For the third time she says, "Do you know what you would like?"
"Yes, I am sorry. Small coffee black, to go."
Joe is still smiling and I do my best to hide mine, how is it that Joe is actually interested in me. Since I suggested coffee I almost forgot about the loss of color. My computer is ROY, my ipod is G and my cell phone is BIV. Of course the cell is just for an emergency. There is something about color and beauty in this world that enables me to stay afloat. Life as a loner is not always easy. People want to engage with other people. It is a lot of work to stay disengaged.
Interrupting her thoughts Joe asks, "So where did you grow up?"
"Manchester, England" I replied.
"What was it like?"
I really don't want to talk about this and why are we having the I want to know all about you conversation. Let me think, I got it. "I would rather hear about you and where you grew up and what it was like." Liar! I don't care and I don't want to care or do I? This feels like it is so outside my control. And maybe that is the point. Taking in a deep breath practically tasting the salt air, I decide to really listen to Joe and I like the sound of his voice.

There is not a shade of color and Joe just said the sunrise took his breath away. It is me. And I don't participate in conversations except for the ones I have with myself in my head and when I talk back to the TV or computer. Although talking to an inanimate object probably does not count. It has been almost too long since I had a real conversation with anyone. However, Joe has been making in roads to my heart which is pounding and my head says RUN. My cheeks are flushed and I imagine with a dark shade of pink. I make myself sit down and I close my eyes feeling his eyes upon me. He is waiting for me to say something. Maybe I should ask about his dream. No that would make both of us too vulnerable.
"Joe, would you like to grab a cup of coffee?"
"I would like that." Looking at his watch he continues, "we even have time to sit down and talk."
Walking across the street to the cafe, I am wondering what in the world am I thinking. I don't sit in the cafe! I don't hang out with people! If I don't run now, this could lead to having lunch or something. Wait, I was the one who asked to go get coffee. Breathe Aisli, I remind myself. OK, just tell him you want to get it to go. "Do you mind if we just get the coffee to go?"
"Not at all. I would rather be outside anyway. We can bring it back to the dock and chat on the way."
Oh man. Maybe I can just do my best to listen and let Joe do all the 'chatting.'

Dark Roasted

Chapter one
The smell of coffee and a freshly lit cigarette is enough to wake up anyone in the morning. My olfactory sense is more sensitive than others so perhaps that is not fare for me to say. These are two of my favorite smells, it reminds me of simpler times in a simpler place, when there was no email to check and I had many phone numbers in my head because there was no such thing as speed dial. Perhaps there was speed dial but I didn't have it at home or at work.

Before I opened my eyes those two aromas roused me from slummer bringing me out of a wonderful dream and back to reality. Another day in the cold on the beach, at least the forecast calls for clear blue skies and a soft breeze. If I am lucky my eyes will be green as the sea. If I get out of bed now I'll be able to catch the sunrise, the red orange glow no matter how many times I see it, when the new day dawns never ceases to take my breath away. The combination of light and color, never seem to look the same way twice, it is the start of a brand new day.
Half opening my eyes, I make my way to the bathroom, the tiles beneath my feet remind me that it is indeed winter and that I probably want 2 layers on today from top to bottom. Squeezing the tooth paste onto my toothbrush, I drop both into the sink, my eyes now open wide open with unbelief. Gray, my fluorescent green toothbrush is shades of gray and my orange and white toothpaste, gray and white, I look in the mirror, my hair is black, my skin a lighter hue of gray and well, my eyes are gray...at least that is true some of the time. The vanity is black revealing its true color but everything my red and black pajamas, the green tiles, the ROYGBIF shower curtain, every ounce of color has been drained from me and the bathroom.
I go out into the hall and look out the window. Is it my eyes? Is it the lack of natural light? It is after all darkest before the dawn. Do I finish getting ready and make it to the beach on time or do I sit down at the computer? Whether it is my eyes or the world that has lost its color, I am quite certain that I do not want to see the sun rise as a charcoal ball.
Flipping open the laptop on my desk, Google Chrome is still up from the night before, I click on News. Nothing. Staring at the gray screen, I type in "colorless morning" it brings me to a music video. Squeezing my eyes hard, hoping against hope this can not be true. It must be my eyes, even though I have never heard of any one's eyesight being fine and the ability to see color being lost. Perhaps I am just having a bad dream. A really bad dream. I will wake up soon and the nightmare will be over. I will catch the sunrise and all will be well. Or will it?


The coffee is calling my name. I head downstairs and whoever made the coffee must have already left for the day. Umm. Usually, I am the first one up and out. I make the coffee and have the one cigarette that I allow myself to have. At the bottom of the stairs, I change my mind and decide to go back to bed. Lying in bed, my head began to race, I don't think I can live without color, it would be like all foods loosing their flavor. The strong aroma of freshly brewed coffee just for starters. And the thought of coffee reminds me that this indeed is not a dream. The light streams in through my window. The sun has risen and so must I.


Perhaps, I am dead and hell is nothing like what I thought it would be.

Warmed after dressing, I make my way to the coast hoping to cleanse my soul. The salt air keeps my spirits up, I guess I better start living by faith and not by sight. Easier said then done. Its gonna be like dancing to the music in my head because all the music in the world has been removed.
I sight Joe in the distance. Time to just act as if nothing has happened.
“Hey Aisli, I was hoping to catch you here at sunrise.”
“Yeah, sorry I missed it.” I lie through my teeth.
“It was breath taking.” Joe says closing his eyes as if to imagine the moment again in his mind.
Doing my best not to react, I bend over and retie my boots. What am I to do? Maybe I am dreaming after all. Joe never talks to me. It amazes me that he even knows I’m alive. My preference is to catch the sunrise alone but I could picture myself in his arms as night turned into day. This gray day just got a splash of color.
Gathering all my courage, I say, “Joe, you were looking for me?”
“Yes. I’ve had my eye on you for so long and I have been careful that you would not even notice. It is hard for me. It has taken a long time for my heart to heal. Just being in your presence has helped the healing process. Last night I had a dream and you were with me in it every step of the way. I woke up before dawn and knew that I had to come looking for you.”
“I am sorry that I disappointed you.”
“You didn’t. You are hear now and we are finally having a real conversation.”